Embracing the Moments When We Finally Snap

Yesterday I snapped.

      I'm sure we can all agree that life can get pretty chaotic. Maybe your boss is on you about a deadline at work that you're far from meeting. Funds are low and the car breaks down. The kids are out of school for the summer and now you're busier than ever. You planned on cooking chicken breasts for dinner, but when you opened them, it was clear they were no good. Guess it's pizza delivery for the third night this week. We can pretend we're not exhausted all we want. More often than not, we put on a smile and keep pushing forward. Why? Because it's easier to pretend we're fine than admit that were worn down, broken, and beaten. We choose not to openly address our feelings because by doing so, we confess our weakness and inability to carry the load. 

      I get it. I've been there, and because of the endless cycle of holding it all in I finally snapped. Before I give you a look into my crazy, I want to note that we all have our own crazy. We all have our baggage. We all have our own hard. Just because one person's crazy may seem crazier than another's, doesn't mean it is. We don't all handle things the same way. Some people feel more deeply than others, and we truly don't know how we would handle a situation until we're in that situation. The most important takeaway from all of this is that our reaction to even the slightest accumulation of stress does not determine the strength that is deep down inside of us. Because we are in Christ, Christ is in us-strength and all. We have infinite strength deep within our souls, but sometimes even the most devout Christians struggle to harness that strength. 

      Since the beginning of March, my family and I have been traveling back and forth to another state for my husband's job. In one state, we have a camper, and in another state, we have a home. Two different lifestyles separated by four hours of drive time. I come home on the weekends to minister, wash clothes, pack, and head back out the door with two kiddos and whatever dog we take that week (because we don't have enough room to take all three at once). As if living two different lives wasn't crazy enough for me, our water pump at home blew up last Thursday and we cannot get a repair man out here to fix it until this Thursday. Conveniently we're home all week this week due to scheduling. On the plus side, we do have running water coming into our basement from our spring, but now we have to haul buckets of water up from the basement to flush toilets, cook with, and drink. We're also walking back and forth to my in-law's house to wash laundry and shower. Though our situation could be much worse, it's not simple, to say the least. To add to it all, the girls spent all of yesterday fighting like cats and dogs, and I'm having relational problems with someone near and dear to me. I've also felt super confused about the direction of my calling which is extremely discouraging.

      Deep breath in. Deep breath out. That was a lot, so I do apologize. Let's proceed.

      Now, if you've never watched the Disney movie "Encanto," I do recommend you check it out. If you have seen it, then you know who the character "Louisa," is. Louisa is the sister whose special gift is strength. She's so strong that she can even carry buildings. But as the plot of the movie builds, Louisa begins to lose her super strength and things quickly become too heavy for her. As a result, she starts to battle with her emotions. The problem is, Louisa put her identity in her strength and ability to carry the heavy load that was demanded of her. Just like we sometimes do. When we get to the point where the load is too heavy and we can no longer carry it, the pile of junk topples down on us. We snap. So, when my husband called me last night to tell me that the rough estimate from the repairman was going to be quite a hefty sum, I snapped. 

      When I snap, I cry. So last night, I sobbed. I sobbed because I could just feel the load that I had allowed myself to carry for so long crash down on top of me. I sobbed because I felt helpless. I sobbed because I felt like I had allowed my life to spiral out of control. I sobbed because I felt so many emotions and I had forgotten how to work through them. The grasp I had on it all had finally released and my composure went with it. Yes, I do believe that there are greater problems in the world than I had been dealt. Some people are living without a roof over their heads. There are people out there who are starving. But at that moment when I no longer felt strong enough to carry the load, the emotional pain felt just as real to me as an open wound. 

      I want you to know something. My pain is real, and my pain is valid. Your pain is real, and your pain is valid. Having emotions shows us that we are human. In the Garden of Gethsemane, just before Jesus was arrested, He cried too. He cried real tears and He felt real pain. Why? Because He was human too (Matthew 26:36-46). Jesus understands our pain because He walked this earth before you and I were born into existence. It didn't make Him weak because of the pain He felt. His strength was not defined by what He felt, but by who He was. As adults, Encanto reveals to us through Louisa that we all are guilty of measuring our strength by the load we can carry. But at some point, that load is going to get too heavy. Before we know it, we're going to snap just like I did last night. 

      I talk with others often regarding the loads they're carrying. At times this almost seems hypocritical to me because I don't always do a great job at carrying my own load. With time, though, I've come to find that we were never meant to carry the load at all. It's important in these moments when we feel like we're about to snap that we remind ourselves of this simple saying my Granny once said, and that's "Remember Whose you are." This means that our identity is in none other than our Lord. We belong to the Almighty God, El Shaddai. Because we belong to Him, we share in His strength. Even when the load comes crashing down on top of us and we feel weak, broken, and maybe even insufficient, we are still perfectly strong because of Who we belong to and Who lives inside of us. In Paul's second letter to the believers in Corinth, he encourages them with this:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

Embracing the Snap and Working Through the Load

      So how do we embrace the snap and work through the load? To feel confident in Whose we are, even when strength is the opposite of how we feel, we must feel the situation out. This is where we need to peel back the layers of emotions that we feel and expose the root of it all. The reason we snap is that we've allowed ourselves to carry too much garbage (we've talked about this already), but the roots usually run deeper than the refrigerator breaking or the rude receptionist at the doctor's office. At the core of every snap is a lie that we have allowed ourselves to believe. Negative thoughts like, "I'm never going to dig myself out of this financial hole," or "My spouse left me, so there must be something wrong with me," can swarm our minds like a plague. These lies tend to be much easier to believe than God's truth. As humans, we try to live in reality but as Christians, we're called to have faith. Regardless, we still feel these hard feelings and to resolve them, we need to embrace them. 

      Let's put it like this. When one loses a loved one, they go through a period of mourning. We all have our methods of mourning, but we still feel those feelings. Similarly, when we feel our grip slipping and the weight of our load crashing down on us, we need to mourn in a sense. We are all going to have our ways of doing this, but I want to discuss healthy ways versus unhealthy ways of doing this. Remember, embracing the snap is when we allow ourselves a period to just feel the feelings we have towards the load we're trying to carry. 

Healthy ways of embracing the snap:

• Cry it out.
• Talk to a friend of faith, a Christian therapist, and most importantly God.
• Go for a walk or find a nice spot outside to think/pray.
• Get creative and spend some time painting/coloring/making music (these can all be forms of worship, too).
• Read scriptures about how you feel and meditate on those scriptures.
• Journal
• Rest

Unhealthy ways of embracing the snap:

• Drug and/or alcohol abuse (If you're struggling, you're not alone. Please reach out for help. See the end of the blog for more info on The Addiction Hotline. God has not washed His hands of you and loves you deeply).
• Careless behavior like impulsive spending, binge eating, and reckless driving. 
• Speaking negativity over yourself like, "I'm worthless," or "I'm weak."
• Harming another person physically or verbally. Or, harming yourself (If you're having these thoughts, I encourage you to contact 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Always remember that you are not alone, and you are loved.).

Healthy Ways of Coping

      By utilizing the healthy methods of embracing the snap, we allow ourselves time to work through whatever it may be that is causing us to struggle and handle it in a more Christ-like manner. If we transition back to the passage that took place in the Garden of Gethsemane, it is obvious that Jesus wrestled with a great deal of emotions. After making His way to the place called Gethsemane, Jesus tells Peter, James, and John, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." This is deep pain, my friends.  Jesus knew what was about to take place in the passage to come. He knew that He would be betrayed by someone He loved dearly and handed over to the authorities to be executed. As Christians, we're called to live in the likeness of Christ. Though that doesn't mean we will be faced with this exact scenario in our own lives, it doesn't mean we won't be faced with deep pain either. It's the approach that Jesus took in sorting out His emotions toward the load that He had been dealt that we need to consider.

      Jesus handled His pain healthily. Not only did He share in his grief with Peter, James, and John, be He also shared it with God the Father. And I love that throughout the Gospel we see Jesus praying to God. Even though Jesus was God the Son in the flesh, He still communicated with God the Father the way we do.  Jesus is the example we as Christians are called to use in living a life pleasing to God. So, when I talk about living a Christ-like life, this is what I mean. When God sent his Son to be this example for us to follow, it wasn't simply to show us how to love and forgive others, but how to handle our emotions as well. Christ embraced His emotional struggle by talking with close friends and talking with God. It's also safe to conclude that He cried it out as well.  The gospel of Luke even goes to the extent of telling us that Jesus was in such deep anguish from the load that He was carrying that His sweat was like drops of blood-but it was then that He prayed more earnestly (Luke 22:44). And as if we He hadn't used several healthy means of embracing his pain, He also found a quiet place outside to work through the grief.

Unhealthy Ways of Coping

      So, we've talked about what it means to use healthy ways of embracing the snap, but what about the unhealthy ones? When we choose to use unhealthy ways of embracing our emotions, we not only fail to find true relief from our pain, but we're also more vulnerable to sin. The difference between the healthy and unhealthy means of embracing our snap is that the healthy ones allow us to feel out, sort through, and eventually heal the pain. Why? Because all of these methods can help us shift our focus back to God. The unhealthy ones are like a Band-Aid. Band-Aids are only meant to cover and protect the wound until our bodies create a natural cover-which is a scab-and from there new skin can grow. The problem with a Band-Aid is that it isn't meant to be a permanent fix for our wounds. It can fall off at any given time, thus exposing the wound. Not to mention, moisture and dirt can get on the gauze and cause bacteria to get into the wound which could cause it to get infected. To sum it up, we will never receive our true and natural healing by slapping a flimsy Band-Aid on our wounds.  

      When I was 22 years old, I gave birth to our oldest daughter. Things were great until they weren't. Because of the mental health issues I battled before I had her, I was at greater risk of developing postpartum depression. Just a couple of months after the most amazing day of my husband and I's lives-the day we welcomed our little girl into the world-it hit me. Waves of depression started pulling me under, and despite the efforts of my psychiatrist, I found no relief. It consumed me. I couldn't take the pain anymore, so I started searching for my healing at the bottom of a bottle. Before I knew it, I found myself behaving recklessly and it about cost me my marriage. Just over a year after we had our oldest daughter, we found out we were expecting another sweet little girl. I cleaned up my act and I sought the Lord. My pregnancy was great-aside from the morning sickness(sigh)-and my mental health seemed to be restored. We welcomed our baby into the world with great joy because we felt like our family was complete. But on the way home from the hospital, I had my husband stop at the drive-thru carry-out store to grab some celebratory drinks. "Just a couple won't hurt, right?" Wrong. And so it began again. This time worse than before. Seltzers let to a bottle of wine a night. Then two bottles a night. Then liquor. The next thing I knew my dad was threatening to take our kids from us and my husband asked for a divorce-not once, or twice, but three times. Then the floor finally went out from beneath me and I attempted to take my own life. 

      So why am I telling you all of these deep, dark, personal things? Is it because I like airing out my dirty laundry to the world? Absolutely not. I'm not proud of the life I once lived, and today it all still haunts me. Even though two years have passed since I've had a drink, the thought of me allowing myself to spiral that far out of control still rears its ugly head into my life from time to time and I can't help but feel shame because of it. I'm sharing these things with you because I wanted to use myself as an example of someone who has used unhealthy ways of embracing the snap and how badly it turned out for me. And I get it, when you're feeling down and crushed by the load you're trying to carry, the last thing you want to do is write it out in a journal. When I felt the way I did back then, I would've laughed at the person who told me to take a little walk to clear my head. Sometimes, there is just too much weight on your shoulders to walk it off or talk about it with a friend. I find myself from time to time too overwhelmed by the load I'm trying to carry to be able to simply talk to someone about it. To tell you the truth, I sometimes can't even find the words to say to be able to express how I'm feeling. Sometimes there's just too much to share that I can't even choke the words out. But the reality is, we've got to try because if we shoot for those unhealthy ways of working through our emotions, we could be walking towards the path of self-destruction. This will not be easy. It will take time, prayer, and a good support system (this can include friends of faith, a Christian counselor, family members, and even your pastor).

 Finding a Source that is Right for You

      If you would've told me a few years ago that I would be called to ministry, I would've told you that you were insane. I was the furthest thing from a good Christian. I was brought up in a little, old Methodist church that we still attend today. But back then, my faith was flimsy because I did not nurture it properly. I handled things the wrong way. I drank, I cursed, I lied, I cheated, I did all the things one is not supposed to do as a good Christian. When I was thrown struggles and I couldn't bear the weight of my load, I sought counsel in all of the wrong places. But what I didn't know back then, is that those things don't matter to God. The minute we surrender ourselves to God, He can use us in the ways were intended. He can not only heal us but use us to further the kingdom. You see, we are called to ministry in some way, shape, or form. We all have positive things we enjoy doing that can be used to not only help us alleviate the hard emotions we feel from the load we're trying to carry, but also to further the kingdom.

      When I made the list of healthy ways of embracing the snap, the healthy ways were not limited to what I wrote down. As I said before, we all have things we enjoy doing that help us feel out our emotions. One thing I love to do is write. On my list, I wrote down journaling. Journaling is a great way to put your thoughts and feelings into words on paper. This method can be soothing and can maybe even help you work through feelings you didn't realize you had trapped inside of you. I don't limit myself to a journal, though. I want to sit at my computer and type out an entire book on anything and everything (kind of like I'm doing now. Ironically, I'm writing this as I am trying to work through some hard feelings of my own.). One thing, in particular, I love to write about is Jesus. In the last couple of years of studying the Bible, I've acquired a deal of knowledge of our Lord, and I love to share that with other people. This is how God has called me to ministry. not only is my source of working through my emotions healthy, but it's also pleasing to God. Now, don't get me wrong. I still find myself from time to time trying to use unhealthy forms of coping. I do not claim to be perfect, but a work in progress. My husband and I are hunters, and his way of working through things is sitting in a tree stand and thinking/praying. What is his ministry that he is fulfilling by doing this? He fills our freezer with meat by living off the land. This is pleasing to God because he utilizes His creation, not only to find his peace and to get closer to God but by living off the land and providing for his family the way God has called man to do.

      The opportunities of releasing the load healthily and fulfilling your call to ministry can come in many different forms. If you love to fish, use that time to embrace your feelings, think through them, and pray. By catching fish for food and spending time in God's creation, you are fulfilling a ministry you have been called to. If you love to bake, then use that time to work through your emotions. Maybe sing a praise song or two while you're whipping up something yummy. Or pray that God helps you carry the weight of this load. Then, share your baked goods with neighbors or friends. Maybe even take your sweet creations to a homeless shelter or to a local doctor's office to thank them for everything they do for your community. By doing this, you find time to sort through the load and fulfill your call to ministry.

      Whatever it is you like to do, it is important to pray that God can not only help you to work through these emotions but also take the load from you and heal your pain. 

Ending Thoughts

      As we discussed before regarding Jesus in Gethsemane, He knows our pain and He knows how hard this life is here on earth. He lived it. He walked the same crust we do. And because of that, He showed us the way to live it without things having to be harder than they needed to be. That is why we're called to live in this Christ-like manner by choosing the healthier route. In the United States today-and even across the globe-we are faced with a growing mental health crisis. From day-to-day anxieties to major conditions such as Bipolar Depression and panic disorders (though I believe they can all go hand in hand), life can genuinely be a struggle. Why is this? Because we are all carrying loads we were never meant to carry. And once these loads begin to get too heavy, we are threatened with the possibility of collapse. By trying to carry these heavy loads, it's as if we are unconsciously setting ourselves up for failure. This then leads to stress, anxiety, insecurities, worry, depression, doubt, and all of the ugly emotions that lead to the decline of our mental health. 

      I want to offer up something to think about, though. We Christians are called to be different. We're called to a backward way of life. We're called not to follow the path of the world, but to follow the path of Christ. So, when you're carrying a load that starts to overwhelm you, I want you to set it down for just a moment and consider this:

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal." -Isaiah 26:3-4

      Ponder this one for a while and ask God how He can increase your trust in Him. Surrender takes trust but produces perfect peace. Surrender is what we must do with the loads we're carrying. And allow me to tell you from experience, you will never find your healing and relief at the bottom of a bottle. No drug out there can help you and heal you the way God can. You will never find satisfaction from reckless behavior. You will never fulfill a ministry through any of these unhealthy ways of sorting through the load you're carrying. But I want you to remember that even though you may have used these unhealthy methods in the past, or maybe you're using them now, God has not washed his hands of you. You are not a bad person for using these methods. God does not love you any less because you have used or are using these methods. Do not feel shame for choosing the unhealthy route because I think it's safe to say we've all been there. Shame does not come from God but from the enemy. God's mercy is great and is new every single day. And because of that, you still have the opportunity to start utilizing a healthier way of embracing your snap.

God bless you all.

-Taylor